I got my blood results back and they are completely normal. This is only dissatisfies me because it still leaves everything open. My second Dr appt was a mess, and resulted in a stool analysis which I haven't gotten the results back yet. Crapping and collecting it into vials was a truly distasteful process, but had to be done. Mom cracked jokes at me.
After a week of not talking to my love, I developed a sense of myself again. I told him goodbye today, and he just let me go which is good, but I guess maybe I expected more. I don't know why I always think someone else's heart will be as sturdy as mine. I suppose our time in each other's lives is over and I am at peace with that. I will miss him terribly, as I do now, his arms wrapped around me, his kisses on my lips...but we must do what we must do. Keeping him in my life did more harm than good for me. He started bringing up his ex girlfriend when we talked and it was just not something I wanted in my life. I hope he finds happiness. I really really do.
The meds I'm on has taken me up and down. The nightmares were a one time thing, thankfully. Last night, I dreamed about grocery shopping. What a weird ass thing to dream about. I've been sad, happy, angry, anxious. For the first few hours after taking it, I start to resemble a heroin user as my eyes just close up on me and I can barely hold my head up. It stops the pain, which is good, but issues are still overwhelming me. It doesn't end here.
And I'm making a promise to myself. A promise I need to keep. If I get better, I'm changing my whole life. For too long I've lived in my own shadow. I've lived for myself and only me (minus the few months I lived every second for my love) and that will change. I have to change my life because I'm utterly disappointed in what I've made so far -- there's too much out there to be satisfied with so little. A presumable third of my life is gone, and the rest of it is going to be a hell of a lot better than what I've put forth so far. I promise that.
