It's been over a year! Wow. To be honest, I've been working on another venture and just completely forgot about this. What may be more sad is, nothing much has really changed.
Maybe that's not entirely true.
I did start my own business. It's been such an interesting thing - has major ups and downs - but I still LOVE it. I can't tell you what it is, but it's mine and it's just me and I can do whatever the fuck I want. Except support myself off of it. lol
I have some plans. To come.
Emotionally, I'm probably still where I was when I last wrote, just less constantly dramatic about it. I still feel all of those feelings and my health has not improved much at all. If anything has changed, I now get constipation for days on end which is a dream to deal with. The back pain is almost unbearable. I think the worst part about it is when I have a poop day, I take my meds and I am usually okay after that (not always, but 70% of the time until I eat something); when I don't poop -- I feel like I could at any time and it really gets my anxiety in an uproar. I can't take my meds because I won't be able to break the cycle. And the pains are back. Not as bad as without the meds, but most definitely there. Where my stomach is, the actual organ, just aches. My ribs hurt, under my ribs hurts, it's tender and feels like something is touching something in there that shouldn't be touched. It's a fullness/pressure pain combined with soreness. My intestines are still having spasms on the daily. Bubbly noises. Cramps. I still vomit on occasion, but nothing as bad as it was. I take 100mg of Viberzi once a day because I need it to last. I'm a freebie plan through a program, so that has saved my life. I'm up for a renewal and worried it might not go through. Not sure what I'll do when that happens and I run out of my hoarded stash. Trying desperately not to worry about it which has also led me to delay it out of fear of disappointment (because somewhere in my head, that makes sense - there's no end yet).
For most of early '17, I was on an 800 calorie diet. Not so much by choice, but that's about all I could eat. I never lost any weight. I do think I pissed my gallbladder off though, because I'm 90% sure I have had two gallbladder attacks since I started eating again. (ps, I had NO idea 800 cal diets would cause GB issues, ok.) I'm more careful, less fat, and my appetite has been pretty strong the last 2 or 3 weeks, so I've been eating more. It hurts and I get all the bubblies, but I am making it work to the best of my ability.
Considering therapy.
I still don't leave the house but to go grocery shopping once or twice a week. That seems to be suitable for me for now.
The x and I had a falling out that was permanent not long after my last entry. And good riddance. Not for him, but for me. It was so strange at first but not long after I basically forgot him. Funny how that shit works. I hope he is doing well, I don't hold ill feelings, but I'm definitely glad I got away from all those feelings I was feeling for him. What an unhealthy relationship (seems to be my forte).
That's it for now. Maybe I'll be back before the year is up. Or another year goes by.
...We'll see.
