Mediocrity

I've had 3 days of the house to myself. Family is on a 2-week vacation and I had all of these plans to get things done. I've accomplished maybe 3% of it.

I left the house for the first time today since Saturday, my stomach has been on the fritz in a serious way (probably all of the stress) so I've been a hostage. I have physically felt so friggin terrible. So I scooped myself up and decided even if I didn't stop anywhere, I needed to get out of the house for a bit. Even if it's just a short drive. (I did make a short stop, got myself some Pedialyte because it is helping my dizzy spells.)

Driving, I couldn't help but ask myself over and over, what the hell is wrong with me? I wish I knew. I feel so disconnected and I just want to cry endlessly about it. And then, I feel the sun on my skin, and the lady at the store smiles at me and says Hi!, and I get a message from a friend just checking on me and I remember that even in the worst of my moods, life isn't as bad as it feels sometimes.

I felt so much better until I got home and I got this instant back of the head headache, into my neck and shoulders, and an intense light-headed/disconnected from reality feeling. I ate a few pieces of hard candy in case my blood sugar was bottoming out because I haven't eaten today (this was around 2pm), and I feel a bit better. But WTF. Like this is the shit that scares me -- that I'm going to be home alone and something incredibly out of left field is gonna happen to me. I waited so long yesterday to eat, I made myself physically ill almost to the point of not being able to eat at all. So dumb.

I have these super obvious white circles under my eyes and I have no idea what that is about. Tried to google it but there doesn't seem to be a real answer to it.


--


I'm stuck between being too sick to do anything some days and a complete and utter lack of self-motivation. Yesterday I came across this quote

"People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents." -Andrew Carnegie

I am failing myself, and that does not make me happy. It's completely my own fault. I have the capacity to do the things I want to do (as far as running my business) but my motivation has been on empty basically this whole year. There's a lot involved and surrounding it, but bottom line is I'm not doing my part.

Maybe tomorrow I'll binge on Bar Rescue, because Jon Taffer yelling at people about how much they suck is good therapy. Especially when you know you deserve to be yelled at. It's up to me, and only me, to fix this.

Expletives Are My Mood Today

Christ, I've tried to write this shit three times now.

My problem is I am having this extremely rare moment of loneliness and I keep having ADHD moments and running off into tangents about shit that doesn't matter. And I just discovered diaryland killed my old diary. That really makes me sad because half of that shit I don't even remember, and I relied on that thing. However, there was some serious shit in there that is probably best left forgotten.

Fortunately my other one is still up, need to archive that before it, too, disappears.

"life has been strange, and stranger at times, but im alive. drugs, boys, eating disorders, and dwelling on a 10 month old broken heart."

Sounds about right. I still have that same broken heart.


There's no point to this.





But I would like to take a moment and apologize for my behaviour in 2004/2005. Especially towards my mother. I blamed a lot on her and it was me - being a stupid fucking junkie. I'm not even sure I had an ED, but was just seriously strung out on speed for a looooong time.

We have been doing spring cleaning and I found some of my old clothes. I do not even remember being that thin...seriously. Some of them shits could fit my tiny 12 year old neighbor kid. My pants probably wouldn't even fit one thigh anymore...sadly, I am about 100 lbs heavier than I was back then.

Life is fucking weird.


Expletives are my mood today.

1979

I had a pretty good day.



I'm so tired I can barely hold my eyes open, but I'm sitting here listening to 90s songs on youtube. All the songs that remind me that life can be pretty fucking cool sometimes.


Smashing Pumpkins "1979".




These are such fleeting moments...when everything makes sense.

just in pieces

I've been in this huge debate mode all day. Earlier, I had this sad-sack post on facebook I was fully ready to commit to posting, and backed out at the last minute. It's not me...I mean, it is, but it isn't - most people don't know me this way. And I like to keep it that way.

I did tell someone about this place. Hi, if you're reading.

Life is so messed up and it's so awesome at the same damn time. I always feel like I'm stuck in this contradiction of feelings and perceptions. And thus, here I am, writing these things down in random text boxes in the great wide open, never letting my world know that I am here. It's always been this way.

UGH My headspace is so jacked right now.

I was reading through some old "on this day" posts yesterday on my fb feeling this wave of relief, knowing my life isn't like that anymore. There's been some serious drama in my past and I was sitting there just soaking in how awesome my life is in the respect of NO DRAMA. Later that day, I started talking to a friend of mine who is in some serious legal troubles. This girl is perfect, but she has made some crap decisions and it has led her to a dark place - like possible prison dark. I bled my heart out to her, about how much I love her and how she deserves so much more than what she gives to herself, and I instantly felt so overwhelmed. Because now I've let my negativity out of the box. When I let it out, I acknowledge it - never the best idea for me. So I started thinking about how much I miss her, and how shit is so bad for her. Then, I started to think about how I have a million home projects to take care of and how I haven't been doing anything with them. Which led me to acknowledge my IBS has been on a rampage this week and I've spent more time in bed than anything else. And a major life-change is coming soon. I haven't decided if I'm telling you or not. (Maybe when it happens.) I am also in the throes of managing TWO small businesses, and I'm honestly doing a shit job of it. I miss methamphetamines right now. (Don't worry, I'm only half serious and I'm 13 years clean of that shit.)

I changed my IBS meds, too, but I'll save that for another time.

I also had fucking face cancer.

It was just basal cell carcinoma, but I'd had it at least 3 years. It's the most treatable cancer there is so I wasn't like making funeral arrangements if shit went sideways, but I was partially concerned my face would be jacked. No one sees it anyways...except the cute guy at the grocery store I have an affinity for. Which, btw, I changed grocery stores a year ago to get away from another dude my brain was in love with...and now, same fucking scenario. I'm running out of grocery stores.

Anyway...I had to have surgery to get it removed, which sucked, and then the shit got infected bc my stitches popped. I'm still healing, but overall...everything is fine. No more face cancer.

I just feel torn and spread thin. I can't really say I'm depressed or super down in the dumps, I'm just in pieces. I'm a little scared. I have feelings I can't verbalize, much like I have pent up energy and frustration I can't vent because my body won't cooperate right now. I feel like typing the same words over and over until it makes sense - or until my anxiety dies off and I don't feel like I'm trying to escape something I can't control. Or until I accept this is how it is and I will find a way...which is what I'll do eventually and only then can I start to feel better. Getting to that place can be tremendously difficult. This one is proving to be one of the harder ones.

And lastly, I'm really sad The Resident is on season break. It's such a good show.

rid you from my bones

Why do I keep this anymore? For moments like this.

HOLEE SHIT

I can't remember everything I've ever written in here. I remember some, but my God, it's years of shit compounded upon itself with so many different emotions and places and people. And there was the stuff I deleted because sometimes shit is too sad to document. This is probably one of those things.

Is it just me, or does everyone have that one person they always seem to go back to in their mind?

I was cleaning out an old email address that I use for my "junk" (sign ups and all that garbage I don't really want to receive) but it was once my primary, and there's shit in there I have saved from 2004.

2004.

14 years ago.

A lifetime ago.

And I still have memories that are burned so heavily into my brain it feels like yesterday.

I came across some old emails from that someone I never quite got over. They were after-us emails; his apologies and my slow, painful death of trying to let go. It would be one of those embarrassing things of how the hell can any self-respecting human being behave that way, but it was so real and so painful. I've never ever felt anything like it since. I've had heartbreak, I've had my emotions run through a blender, set afire, pissed on, trampled on, you get the picture -- but nothing compares to what that felt like. And why...that's a real question...why I have never gotten over it? I have successfully overcome everyone else, but not him. Even the one I know I've mentioned here before, many years back. That was hard. Especially with his coming and going...but it still wasn't even close. That was one of those pains that changed me forever - mostly for the better, but when I was 20...I didn't know better. I just completely descended into full-blown self-destruction.

He told me he was sorry for ruining my life. I couldn't expect him to ever understand what that really meant. I'm not sure I even understood at the time what that really meant. Ugh, I am a 34 year old woman about to have one of the worst ugly-cries of my life over something that happened 14 years ago. And it would be one of many. There are countless times, seconds, minutes, and hours, where he has crossed my mind over the years. I always seem to come back to him, and it's so sad because he's not even there.



In all honesty, that slow and painful death continues to this day. It is literally the most pathetic scenario to ever exist. (dramatic much?) I wonder if I will ever get over it. Are there things in life that we just never come to terms with, but can live forward in happiness? Goddamn, I hope so. I really, truly hope so.


...I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones.