Why do I keep this anymore? For moments like this.
HOLEE SHIT
I can't remember everything I've ever written in here. I remember some, but my God, it's years of shit compounded upon itself with so many different emotions and places and people. And there was the stuff I deleted because sometimes shit is too sad to document. This is probably one of those things.
Is it just me, or does everyone have that one person they always seem to go back to in their mind?
I was cleaning out an old email address that I use for my "junk" (sign ups and all that garbage I don't really want to receive) but it was once my primary, and there's shit in there I have saved from 2004.
2004.
14 years ago.
A lifetime ago.
And I still have memories that are burned so heavily into my brain it feels like yesterday.
I came across some old emails from that someone I never quite got over. They were after-us emails; his apologies and my slow, painful death of trying to let go. It would be one of those embarrassing things of how the hell can any self-respecting human being behave that way, but it was so real and so painful. I've never ever felt anything like it since. I've had heartbreak, I've had my emotions run through a blender, set afire, pissed on, trampled on, you get the picture -- but nothing compares to what that felt like. And why...that's a real question...why I have never gotten over it? I have successfully overcome everyone else, but not him. Even the one I know I've mentioned here before, many years back. That was hard. Especially with his coming and going...but it still wasn't even close. That was one of those pains that changed me forever - mostly for the better, but when I was 20...I didn't know better. I just completely descended into full-blown self-destruction.
He told me he was sorry for ruining my life. I couldn't expect him to ever understand what that really meant. I'm not sure I even understood at the time what that really meant. Ugh, I am a 34 year old woman about to have one of the worst ugly-cries of my life over something that happened 14 years ago. And it would be one of many. There are countless times, seconds, minutes, and hours, where he has crossed my mind over the years. I always seem to come back to him, and it's so sad because he's not even there.
In all honesty, that slow and painful death continues to this day. It is literally the most pathetic scenario to ever exist. (dramatic much?) I wonder if I will ever get over it. Are there things in life that we just never come to terms with, but can live forward in happiness? Goddamn, I hope so. I really, truly hope so.
...I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones.
