I had a pretty good day.
I'm so tired I can barely hold my eyes open, but I'm sitting here listening to 90s songs on youtube. All the songs that remind me that life can be pretty fucking cool sometimes.
Smashing Pumpkins "1979".
These are such fleeting moments...when everything makes sense.
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Friday, May 18, 2018
just in pieces
I've been in this huge debate mode all day. Earlier, I had this sad-sack post on facebook I was fully ready to commit to posting, and backed out at the last minute. It's not me...I mean, it is, but it isn't - most people don't know me this way. And I like to keep it that way.
I did tell someone about this place. Hi, if you're reading.
Life is so messed up and it's so awesome at the same damn time. I always feel like I'm stuck in this contradiction of feelings and perceptions. And thus, here I am, writing these things down in random text boxes in the great wide open, never letting my world know that I am here. It's always been this way.
UGH My headspace is so jacked right now.
I was reading through some old "on this day" posts yesterday on my fb feeling this wave of relief, knowing my life isn't like that anymore. There's been some serious drama in my past and I was sitting there just soaking in how awesome my life is in the respect of NO DRAMA. Later that day, I started talking to a friend of mine who is in some serious legal troubles. This girl is perfect, but she has made some crap decisions and it has led her to a dark place - like possible prison dark. I bled my heart out to her, about how much I love her and how she deserves so much more than what she gives to herself, and I instantly felt so overwhelmed. Because now I've let my negativity out of the box. When I let it out, I acknowledge it - never the best idea for me. So I started thinking about how much I miss her, and how shit is so bad for her. Then, I started to think about how I have a million home projects to take care of and how I haven't been doing anything with them. Which led me to acknowledge my IBS has been on a rampage this week and I've spent more time in bed than anything else. And a major life-change is coming soon. I haven't decided if I'm telling you or not. (Maybe when it happens.) I am also in the throes of managing TWO small businesses, and I'm honestly doing a shit job of it. I miss methamphetamines right now. (Don't worry, I'm only half serious and I'm 13 years clean of that shit.)
I changed my IBS meds, too, but I'll save that for another time.
I also had fucking face cancer.
It was just basal cell carcinoma, but I'd had it at least 3 years. It's the most treatable cancer there is so I wasn't like making funeral arrangements if shit went sideways, but I was partially concerned my face would be jacked. No one sees it anyways...except the cute guy at the grocery store I have an affinity for. Which, btw, I changed grocery stores a year ago to get away from another dude my brain was in love with...and now, same fucking scenario. I'm running out of grocery stores.
Anyway...I had to have surgery to get it removed, which sucked, and then the shit got infected bc my stitches popped. I'm still healing, but overall...everything is fine. No more face cancer.
I just feel torn and spread thin. I can't really say I'm depressed or super down in the dumps, I'm just in pieces. I'm a little scared. I have feelings I can't verbalize, much like I have pent up energy and frustration I can't vent because my body won't cooperate right now. I feel like typing the same words over and over until it makes sense - or until my anxiety dies off and I don't feel like I'm trying to escape something I can't control. Or until I accept this is how it is and I will find a way...which is what I'll do eventually and only then can I start to feel better. Getting to that place can be tremendously difficult. This one is proving to be one of the harder ones.
And lastly, I'm really sad The Resident is on season break. It's such a good show.
I did tell someone about this place. Hi, if you're reading.
Life is so messed up and it's so awesome at the same damn time. I always feel like I'm stuck in this contradiction of feelings and perceptions. And thus, here I am, writing these things down in random text boxes in the great wide open, never letting my world know that I am here. It's always been this way.
UGH My headspace is so jacked right now.
I was reading through some old "on this day" posts yesterday on my fb feeling this wave of relief, knowing my life isn't like that anymore. There's been some serious drama in my past and I was sitting there just soaking in how awesome my life is in the respect of NO DRAMA. Later that day, I started talking to a friend of mine who is in some serious legal troubles. This girl is perfect, but she has made some crap decisions and it has led her to a dark place - like possible prison dark. I bled my heart out to her, about how much I love her and how she deserves so much more than what she gives to herself, and I instantly felt so overwhelmed. Because now I've let my negativity out of the box. When I let it out, I acknowledge it - never the best idea for me. So I started thinking about how much I miss her, and how shit is so bad for her. Then, I started to think about how I have a million home projects to take care of and how I haven't been doing anything with them. Which led me to acknowledge my IBS has been on a rampage this week and I've spent more time in bed than anything else. And a major life-change is coming soon. I haven't decided if I'm telling you or not. (Maybe when it happens.) I am also in the throes of managing TWO small businesses, and I'm honestly doing a shit job of it. I miss methamphetamines right now. (Don't worry, I'm only half serious and I'm 13 years clean of that shit.)
I changed my IBS meds, too, but I'll save that for another time.
I also had fucking face cancer.
It was just basal cell carcinoma, but I'd had it at least 3 years. It's the most treatable cancer there is so I wasn't like making funeral arrangements if shit went sideways, but I was partially concerned my face would be jacked. No one sees it anyways...except the cute guy at the grocery store I have an affinity for. Which, btw, I changed grocery stores a year ago to get away from another dude my brain was in love with...and now, same fucking scenario. I'm running out of grocery stores.
Anyway...I had to have surgery to get it removed, which sucked, and then the shit got infected bc my stitches popped. I'm still healing, but overall...everything is fine. No more face cancer.
I just feel torn and spread thin. I can't really say I'm depressed or super down in the dumps, I'm just in pieces. I'm a little scared. I have feelings I can't verbalize, much like I have pent up energy and frustration I can't vent because my body won't cooperate right now. I feel like typing the same words over and over until it makes sense - or until my anxiety dies off and I don't feel like I'm trying to escape something I can't control. Or until I accept this is how it is and I will find a way...which is what I'll do eventually and only then can I start to feel better. Getting to that place can be tremendously difficult. This one is proving to be one of the harder ones.
And lastly, I'm really sad The Resident is on season break. It's such a good show.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)