Mediocrity

I've had 3 days of the house to myself. Family is on a 2-week vacation and I had all of these plans to get things done. I've accomplished maybe 3% of it.

I left the house for the first time today since Saturday, my stomach has been on the fritz in a serious way (probably all of the stress) so I've been a hostage. I have physically felt so friggin terrible. So I scooped myself up and decided even if I didn't stop anywhere, I needed to get out of the house for a bit. Even if it's just a short drive. (I did make a short stop, got myself some Pedialyte because it is helping my dizzy spells.)

Driving, I couldn't help but ask myself over and over, what the hell is wrong with me? I wish I knew. I feel so disconnected and I just want to cry endlessly about it. And then, I feel the sun on my skin, and the lady at the store smiles at me and says Hi!, and I get a message from a friend just checking on me and I remember that even in the worst of my moods, life isn't as bad as it feels sometimes.

I felt so much better until I got home and I got this instant back of the head headache, into my neck and shoulders, and an intense light-headed/disconnected from reality feeling. I ate a few pieces of hard candy in case my blood sugar was bottoming out because I haven't eaten today (this was around 2pm), and I feel a bit better. But WTF. Like this is the shit that scares me -- that I'm going to be home alone and something incredibly out of left field is gonna happen to me. I waited so long yesterday to eat, I made myself physically ill almost to the point of not being able to eat at all. So dumb.

I have these super obvious white circles under my eyes and I have no idea what that is about. Tried to google it but there doesn't seem to be a real answer to it.


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I'm stuck between being too sick to do anything some days and a complete and utter lack of self-motivation. Yesterday I came across this quote

"People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents." -Andrew Carnegie

I am failing myself, and that does not make me happy. It's completely my own fault. I have the capacity to do the things I want to do (as far as running my business) but my motivation has been on empty basically this whole year. There's a lot involved and surrounding it, but bottom line is I'm not doing my part.

Maybe tomorrow I'll binge on Bar Rescue, because Jon Taffer yelling at people about how much they suck is good therapy. Especially when you know you deserve to be yelled at. It's up to me, and only me, to fix this.

Expletives Are My Mood Today

Christ, I've tried to write this shit three times now.

My problem is I am having this extremely rare moment of loneliness and I keep having ADHD moments and running off into tangents about shit that doesn't matter. And I just discovered diaryland killed my old diary. That really makes me sad because half of that shit I don't even remember, and I relied on that thing. However, there was some serious shit in there that is probably best left forgotten.

Fortunately my other one is still up, need to archive that before it, too, disappears.

"life has been strange, and stranger at times, but im alive. drugs, boys, eating disorders, and dwelling on a 10 month old broken heart."

Sounds about right. I still have that same broken heart.


There's no point to this.





But I would like to take a moment and apologize for my behaviour in 2004/2005. Especially towards my mother. I blamed a lot on her and it was me - being a stupid fucking junkie. I'm not even sure I had an ED, but was just seriously strung out on speed for a looooong time.

We have been doing spring cleaning and I found some of my old clothes. I do not even remember being that thin...seriously. Some of them shits could fit my tiny 12 year old neighbor kid. My pants probably wouldn't even fit one thigh anymore...sadly, I am about 100 lbs heavier than I was back then.

Life is fucking weird.


Expletives are my mood today.