Mediocrity

I've had 3 days of the house to myself. Family is on a 2-week vacation and I had all of these plans to get things done. I've accomplished maybe 3% of it.

I left the house for the first time today since Saturday, my stomach has been on the fritz in a serious way (probably all of the stress) so I've been a hostage. I have physically felt so friggin terrible. So I scooped myself up and decided even if I didn't stop anywhere, I needed to get out of the house for a bit. Even if it's just a short drive. (I did make a short stop, got myself some Pedialyte because it is helping my dizzy spells.)

Driving, I couldn't help but ask myself over and over, what the hell is wrong with me? I wish I knew. I feel so disconnected and I just want to cry endlessly about it. And then, I feel the sun on my skin, and the lady at the store smiles at me and says Hi!, and I get a message from a friend just checking on me and I remember that even in the worst of my moods, life isn't as bad as it feels sometimes.

I felt so much better until I got home and I got this instant back of the head headache, into my neck and shoulders, and an intense light-headed/disconnected from reality feeling. I ate a few pieces of hard candy in case my blood sugar was bottoming out because I haven't eaten today (this was around 2pm), and I feel a bit better. But WTF. Like this is the shit that scares me -- that I'm going to be home alone and something incredibly out of left field is gonna happen to me. I waited so long yesterday to eat, I made myself physically ill almost to the point of not being able to eat at all. So dumb.

I have these super obvious white circles under my eyes and I have no idea what that is about. Tried to google it but there doesn't seem to be a real answer to it.


--


I'm stuck between being too sick to do anything some days and a complete and utter lack of self-motivation. Yesterday I came across this quote

"People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents." -Andrew Carnegie

I am failing myself, and that does not make me happy. It's completely my own fault. I have the capacity to do the things I want to do (as far as running my business) but my motivation has been on empty basically this whole year. There's a lot involved and surrounding it, but bottom line is I'm not doing my part.

Maybe tomorrow I'll binge on Bar Rescue, because Jon Taffer yelling at people about how much they suck is good therapy. Especially when you know you deserve to be yelled at. It's up to me, and only me, to fix this.

Expletives Are My Mood Today

Christ, I've tried to write this shit three times now.

My problem is I am having this extremely rare moment of loneliness and I keep having ADHD moments and running off into tangents about shit that doesn't matter. And I just discovered diaryland killed my old diary. That really makes me sad because half of that shit I don't even remember, and I relied on that thing. However, there was some serious shit in there that is probably best left forgotten.

Fortunately my other one is still up, need to archive that before it, too, disappears.

"life has been strange, and stranger at times, but im alive. drugs, boys, eating disorders, and dwelling on a 10 month old broken heart."

Sounds about right. I still have that same broken heart.


There's no point to this.





But I would like to take a moment and apologize for my behaviour in 2004/2005. Especially towards my mother. I blamed a lot on her and it was me - being a stupid fucking junkie. I'm not even sure I had an ED, but was just seriously strung out on speed for a looooong time.

We have been doing spring cleaning and I found some of my old clothes. I do not even remember being that thin...seriously. Some of them shits could fit my tiny 12 year old neighbor kid. My pants probably wouldn't even fit one thigh anymore...sadly, I am about 100 lbs heavier than I was back then.

Life is fucking weird.


Expletives are my mood today.

1979

I had a pretty good day.



I'm so tired I can barely hold my eyes open, but I'm sitting here listening to 90s songs on youtube. All the songs that remind me that life can be pretty fucking cool sometimes.


Smashing Pumpkins "1979".




These are such fleeting moments...when everything makes sense.

just in pieces

I've been in this huge debate mode all day. Earlier, I had this sad-sack post on facebook I was fully ready to commit to posting, and backed out at the last minute. It's not me...I mean, it is, but it isn't - most people don't know me this way. And I like to keep it that way.

I did tell someone about this place. Hi, if you're reading.

Life is so messed up and it's so awesome at the same damn time. I always feel like I'm stuck in this contradiction of feelings and perceptions. And thus, here I am, writing these things down in random text boxes in the great wide open, never letting my world know that I am here. It's always been this way.

UGH My headspace is so jacked right now.

I was reading through some old "on this day" posts yesterday on my fb feeling this wave of relief, knowing my life isn't like that anymore. There's been some serious drama in my past and I was sitting there just soaking in how awesome my life is in the respect of NO DRAMA. Later that day, I started talking to a friend of mine who is in some serious legal troubles. This girl is perfect, but she has made some crap decisions and it has led her to a dark place - like possible prison dark. I bled my heart out to her, about how much I love her and how she deserves so much more than what she gives to herself, and I instantly felt so overwhelmed. Because now I've let my negativity out of the box. When I let it out, I acknowledge it - never the best idea for me. So I started thinking about how much I miss her, and how shit is so bad for her. Then, I started to think about how I have a million home projects to take care of and how I haven't been doing anything with them. Which led me to acknowledge my IBS has been on a rampage this week and I've spent more time in bed than anything else. And a major life-change is coming soon. I haven't decided if I'm telling you or not. (Maybe when it happens.) I am also in the throes of managing TWO small businesses, and I'm honestly doing a shit job of it. I miss methamphetamines right now. (Don't worry, I'm only half serious and I'm 13 years clean of that shit.)

I changed my IBS meds, too, but I'll save that for another time.

I also had fucking face cancer.

It was just basal cell carcinoma, but I'd had it at least 3 years. It's the most treatable cancer there is so I wasn't like making funeral arrangements if shit went sideways, but I was partially concerned my face would be jacked. No one sees it anyways...except the cute guy at the grocery store I have an affinity for. Which, btw, I changed grocery stores a year ago to get away from another dude my brain was in love with...and now, same fucking scenario. I'm running out of grocery stores.

Anyway...I had to have surgery to get it removed, which sucked, and then the shit got infected bc my stitches popped. I'm still healing, but overall...everything is fine. No more face cancer.

I just feel torn and spread thin. I can't really say I'm depressed or super down in the dumps, I'm just in pieces. I'm a little scared. I have feelings I can't verbalize, much like I have pent up energy and frustration I can't vent because my body won't cooperate right now. I feel like typing the same words over and over until it makes sense - or until my anxiety dies off and I don't feel like I'm trying to escape something I can't control. Or until I accept this is how it is and I will find a way...which is what I'll do eventually and only then can I start to feel better. Getting to that place can be tremendously difficult. This one is proving to be one of the harder ones.

And lastly, I'm really sad The Resident is on season break. It's such a good show.

rid you from my bones

Why do I keep this anymore? For moments like this.

HOLEE SHIT

I can't remember everything I've ever written in here. I remember some, but my God, it's years of shit compounded upon itself with so many different emotions and places and people. And there was the stuff I deleted because sometimes shit is too sad to document. This is probably one of those things.

Is it just me, or does everyone have that one person they always seem to go back to in their mind?

I was cleaning out an old email address that I use for my "junk" (sign ups and all that garbage I don't really want to receive) but it was once my primary, and there's shit in there I have saved from 2004.

2004.

14 years ago.

A lifetime ago.

And I still have memories that are burned so heavily into my brain it feels like yesterday.

I came across some old emails from that someone I never quite got over. They were after-us emails; his apologies and my slow, painful death of trying to let go. It would be one of those embarrassing things of how the hell can any self-respecting human being behave that way, but it was so real and so painful. I've never ever felt anything like it since. I've had heartbreak, I've had my emotions run through a blender, set afire, pissed on, trampled on, you get the picture -- but nothing compares to what that felt like. And why...that's a real question...why I have never gotten over it? I have successfully overcome everyone else, but not him. Even the one I know I've mentioned here before, many years back. That was hard. Especially with his coming and going...but it still wasn't even close. That was one of those pains that changed me forever - mostly for the better, but when I was 20...I didn't know better. I just completely descended into full-blown self-destruction.

He told me he was sorry for ruining my life. I couldn't expect him to ever understand what that really meant. I'm not sure I even understood at the time what that really meant. Ugh, I am a 34 year old woman about to have one of the worst ugly-cries of my life over something that happened 14 years ago. And it would be one of many. There are countless times, seconds, minutes, and hours, where he has crossed my mind over the years. I always seem to come back to him, and it's so sad because he's not even there.



In all honesty, that slow and painful death continues to this day. It is literally the most pathetic scenario to ever exist. (dramatic much?) I wonder if I will ever get over it. Are there things in life that we just never come to terms with, but can live forward in happiness? Goddamn, I hope so. I really, truly hope so.


...I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones.

Hello, it's me

It's been over a year! Wow. To be honest, I've been working on another venture and just completely forgot about this. What may be more sad is, nothing much has really changed.

Maybe that's not entirely true.

I did start my own business. It's been such an interesting thing - has major ups and downs - but I still LOVE it. I can't tell you what it is, but it's mine and it's just me and I can do whatever the fuck I want. Except support myself off of it. lol

I have some plans. To come.

Emotionally, I'm probably still where I was when I last wrote, just less constantly dramatic about it. I still feel all of those feelings and my health has not improved much at all. If anything has changed, I now get constipation for days on end which is a dream to deal with. The back pain is almost unbearable. I think the worst part about it is when I have a poop day, I take my meds and I am usually okay after that (not always, but 70% of the time until I eat something); when I don't poop -- I feel like I could at any time and it really gets my anxiety in an uproar. I can't take my meds because I won't be able to break the cycle. And the pains are back. Not as bad as without the meds, but most definitely there. Where my stomach is, the actual organ, just aches. My ribs hurt, under my ribs hurts, it's tender and feels like something is touching something in there that shouldn't be touched. It's a fullness/pressure pain combined with soreness. My intestines are still having spasms on the daily. Bubbly noises. Cramps. I still vomit on occasion, but nothing as bad as it was. I take 100mg of Viberzi once a day because I need it to last. I'm a freebie plan through a program, so that has saved my life. I'm up for a renewal and worried it might not go through. Not sure what I'll do when that happens and I run out of my hoarded stash. Trying desperately not to worry about it which has also led me to delay it out of fear of disappointment (because somewhere in my head, that makes sense - there's no end yet).

For most of early '17, I was on an 800 calorie diet. Not so much by choice, but that's about all I could eat. I never lost any weight. I do think I pissed my gallbladder off though, because I'm 90% sure I have had two gallbladder attacks since I started eating again. (ps, I had NO idea 800 cal diets would cause GB issues, ok.) I'm more careful, less fat, and my appetite has been pretty strong the last 2 or 3 weeks, so I've been eating more. It hurts and I get all the bubblies, but I am making it work to the best of my ability.

Considering therapy.

I still don't leave the house but to go grocery shopping once or twice a week. That seems to be suitable for me for now.

The x and I had a falling out that was permanent not long after my last entry. And good riddance. Not for him, but for me. It was so strange at first but not long after I basically forgot him. Funny how that shit works. I hope he is doing well, I don't hold ill feelings, but I'm definitely glad I got away from all those feelings I was feeling for him. What an unhealthy relationship (seems to be my forte).

That's it for now. Maybe I'll be back before the year is up. Or another year goes by.





...We'll see.

sad, pity, poor me today

I guess I gave up on this because I had nothing much to say. I could've reopened it a few months ago, but I have been busy. I'm trying to start my own company, but not sure I want to get into specifics.

As for my health -- disaster. This is the reason I am writing today. I was driving down the road and a lot of emotion hit me out of nowhere and I need somewhere to put my thoughts. I could write it in the open, but I feel like being "oh, woe is me" in front of my friends is oh, so depressing. I should feel more comfortable being open about my feelings, but I am not. I'm not comfortable telling anyone except my friend in NY about it, and we haven't talked much lately.

I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy done back in March. I have Barrett's Esophagus, overactive acid production, a hiatal hernia, and severe irritation in my top parts, but my lower parts (colon) everything is absolutely perfect. Someone please tell my brain that! It's been sooooooo hard. My doctor diagnosed me with IBS-D, which basically means my body is crazy but no clue why. I cried and cried and cried, and still do. Because this is so much to bear. To know physically, I am basically fine and there is no definitive treatment for me. The Barrett's Esophagus is basically where acid has eroded my esophagus so much that it looks like my intestines (it's not suppose to) in effort to prevent further damage. i.e. acid eating through my throat. It's a cancer risk for life, but less than 10% of people get cancer from it. My stomach and duodenum are highly irritated, but no clear answers why. This explains my incessant pain. I tried Viberzi for awhile, but it is $1,000 a month (no insurance) so it was kind of a waste. It helped a lot, especially with the pain, but it did not make me normal. Now I am on Bentyl. It does nothing. I have to call and see about an adjustment because I am on a low dose. My doctor assured me we'll keep trying until we find something that works, but Imodium and Pepto Bismal aren't doing shit anymore, either. I can take an I and 5 Pepto tabs and still poop. I'm not going 50 times a day, but it hits whenever it wants.

I was at the Dollar General yesterday, knowing my tummy wasn't happy but we needed toilet paper (for all that pooping) and the lady in line couldn't find her card. There were 4 others in front of me and it hit me. Bubbles in my backside. I'm standing there, blood pressure rising, I could feel my heart in my ears, starting to sweat -- praying to the Lord himself to just get me through it without shitting myself. I kept saying "you're okay, you're okay, you're okay" over and over and over and over. Fiddling with things on the shelf to impart a distraction. It's been awhile since one of those have occurred but I don't go out much, especially on this new meds.

I had to go get cat food today (no one else is around for the holiday, I'm stuck at home) and everything went decent. My stomach got aggravated before I got there but it calmed down enough I trusted my body to run in, grab the food, and bail out asap. On the way home, I exploded into tears. As I hit this point in writing, my eyes are welling up. This cannot be my life. Everyone I know is going to parties, my family is at the beach, and I can barely trust myself to go get fucking cat food.

Where does this lead? What happens from here? It's so hard to have hope. I so badly just want to be normal!!!  I used to be normal. I had anxiety issues, but nothing like this. I am so TIRED of it. I don't want to go on disability and live in poverty. I don't want to know what happens if something happens to my mother. In honesty, I'm not sure I could convince myself to keep trying; I'd check myself into a mental facility. I am 32 years old and I cannot provide for myself. I cannot take care of myself. I am mentally capable -- physically I am ruined. (it feels so, at least.) I am literally terrified for my future and it just compounds my already anxiety and depression-ridden mind. I can't go out, I can't date, I can't work, I can't do anything other people do -- I can't even run to the gas station whenever I want. I've also developed this wonderful stress-eating habit and have gained 20 lbs lately. I eat and eat and eat. Which also makes this all worse.

So it's just sad, pity, poor me today. Sometimes I cannot help it.

I'll try to keep this updated. I know I'm not the only one going through this.