I guess I gave up on this because I had nothing much to say. I could've reopened it a few months ago, but I have been busy. I'm trying to start my own company, but not sure I want to get into specifics.
As for my health -- disaster. This is the reason I am writing today. I was driving down the road and a lot of emotion hit me out of nowhere and I need somewhere to put my thoughts. I could write it in the open, but I feel like being "oh, woe is me" in front of my friends is oh, so depressing. I should feel more comfortable being open about my feelings, but I am not. I'm not comfortable telling anyone except my friend in NY about it, and we haven't talked much lately.
I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy done back in March. I have Barrett's Esophagus, overactive acid production, a hiatal hernia, and severe irritation in my top parts, but my lower parts (colon) everything is absolutely perfect. Someone please tell my brain that! It's been sooooooo hard. My doctor diagnosed me with IBS-D, which basically means my body is crazy but no clue why. I cried and cried and cried, and still do. Because this is so much to bear. To know physically, I am basically fine and there is no definitive treatment for me. The Barrett's Esophagus is basically where acid has eroded my esophagus so much that it looks like my intestines (it's not suppose to) in effort to prevent further damage. i.e. acid eating through my throat. It's a cancer risk for life, but less than 10% of people get cancer from it. My stomach and duodenum are highly irritated, but no clear answers why. This explains my incessant pain. I tried Viberzi for awhile, but it is $1,000 a month (no insurance) so it was kind of a waste. It helped a lot, especially with the pain, but it did not make me normal. Now I am on Bentyl. It does nothing. I have to call and see about an adjustment because I am on a low dose. My doctor assured me we'll keep trying until we find something that works, but Imodium and Pepto Bismal aren't doing shit anymore, either. I can take an I and 5 Pepto tabs and still poop. I'm not going 50 times a day, but it hits whenever it wants.
I was at the Dollar General yesterday, knowing my tummy wasn't happy but we needed toilet paper (for all that pooping) and the lady in line couldn't find her card. There were 4 others in front of me and it hit me. Bubbles in my backside. I'm standing there, blood pressure rising, I could feel my heart in my ears, starting to sweat -- praying to the Lord himself to just get me through it without shitting myself. I kept saying "you're okay, you're okay, you're okay" over and over and over and over. Fiddling with things on the shelf to impart a distraction. It's been awhile since one of those have occurred but I don't go out much, especially on this new meds.
I had to go get cat food today (no one else is around for the holiday, I'm stuck at home) and everything went decent. My stomach got aggravated before I got there but it calmed down enough I trusted my body to run in, grab the food, and bail out asap. On the way home, I exploded into tears. As I hit this point in writing, my eyes are welling up. This cannot be my life. Everyone I know is going to parties, my family is at the beach, and I can barely trust myself to go get fucking cat food.
Where does this lead? What happens from here? It's so hard to have hope. I so badly just want to be normal!!! I used to be normal. I had anxiety issues, but nothing like this. I am so TIRED of it. I don't want to go on disability and live in poverty. I don't want to know what happens if something happens to my mother. In honesty, I'm not sure I could convince myself to keep trying; I'd check myself into a mental facility. I am 32 years old and I cannot provide for myself. I cannot take care of myself. I am mentally capable -- physically I am ruined. (it feels so, at least.) I am literally terrified for my future and it just compounds my already anxiety and depression-ridden mind. I can't go out, I can't date, I can't work, I can't do anything other people do -- I can't even run to the gas station whenever I want. I've also developed this wonderful stress-eating habit and have gained 20 lbs lately. I eat and eat and eat. Which also makes this all worse.
So it's just sad, pity, poor me today. Sometimes I cannot help it.
I'll try to keep this updated. I know I'm not the only one going through this.
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