mistake...

Previously mentioning more mistakes to be made...oh, my, I am on my way already.

I allowed the one who broke me to kiss me today.  He just showed up...wanted to talk, and continuously crossed boundaries I begged him not to.  Its been a year since we've kissed and it was everything I remember it being.  Wonderful and heartbreaking.

He says he'll see me again soon.

I cannot say no to him.

(I don't want to...)

*update, I never saw him again.*

*second update - he tried to talk to me in 2017, but he couldn't win and he's gone again*

rough week

Despite the anonymity of this, there are things going on I cannot tell.  It's bad, but it actually has nothing to do with me too personally...but my head is all over the place.

It's been a rough week so far...cant wait for it to be over.

i walked away

There's no point in lying - I used to be extremely explorative in my sexuality.  Which may be a nice way to say I used to believe having sex with a man brought a feeling of acceptance and bonding that was equally shared.  Being young equates to being really stupid.  Then there was a period of time it was just fun...a way to vent stress and felt good.  That seems like so long ago.

See, I met this guy almost 2 years ago.  At first we were just friends, then, as a few weeks went by, I began to feel incredibly comfortable with him.  Not as in I wanted to date him (bc my previous relationship was a horrible mess of drama you only see on tv and by the end, I literally hated him...with premeditated murderous rage...by the time I kicked him out) and was not looking for any reason to emotionally connect with someone.

Until one day, we made an agreement -- friends with benefits.  No emotion.  No connection.  Problem was, after weeks of the most amazing sex I have ever had in my entire life, he started in with the "trust me"s and "I'd never hurt you"s.  I fended him off as long as I could. One day I opened up and let him in.  There were reasons we couldn't be together, lots of them, but we did it any way.  It was months of pure bliss and agonizing misery.  I'd never felt so alive, yet so destroyed.  The combination of those two emotions causes confusion you wouldn't believe.  I loved him.  So much that that sneaking, crushing feeling of knowing we could never be broke me down every single day. But I wanted it.  More than anything.  He swept me off my feet.

Until the day came when it could no longer be.  He got some life changing news that abruptly haulted everything we had...like a speeding car hitting a brick wall.  When he told me he was going to stop, I made him tell me to leave.  Without his looking me in the eyes and telling me...I don't want to see you anymore....I could not walk away.  He said it.  The world span wildly out of control and I thought I was going to pass out.  That's never happened before.  Everything spinning and getting smaller and my body went numb, the world faded away and I started losing my breath.

I managed to stand on my feet...and walk away.

We had sex one more time after that, and he has attempted to con me back in a few times since...but if we are being honest, and that is the point, he broke me.  The feelings I had and the sex and his smile has left me wanting nothing.  I am a shell of a creature with the memories of something so beautiful and tragic that it leaves me feeling like an open wound all the time.  I miss him.  Its been a year.

I have not dated.  I don't even look at men. Sex has become something I don't know if I can do again....at least not likely for a long time.  Maybe it's growing up and respecting myself in my own opinion (no judgments on others) of not giving it away.  Maybe it's his fault. I can't even sleep with a guy I have before that I trust as a person and I know he's a grade a dude...I just can't.

I just...don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

what would i ever do without you

Mothers always know what to say when the world seems to be crashing down.

Mine is the most impressive person I have ever known.  She is as close to perfection as I believe a person can get.

grass is greener (only in theory)

I have days where I feel like being somewhere else would be so much easier. Except I know how I am, and I'd find a way to put all the workload on myself.  Is it a control issue?  That's highly plausible.

I grew up in a family, as a young child, where my mother had no control. She wasn't weak, she just didn't realize how bad my biological father and his alcoholism was until it was too late.  I remember being in grade school when she decided she had had enough.  She's basically been going to college or working two jobs since then, and that was well over two decades ago (she's remarried and happy now, though completely compulsive about taking care of herself).  She lost control once, and at my most impressionable age, I witnessed the catastrophic results of not being in control.

I lost control at one point, too.  Spiraled into drug use and sexual promiscuity; bore witness to my own downfall.  Ever since then, I've been a workaholic and a junkie on the job.  Pushing harder and harder to always be the best, be the one who knew it all and could be counted on.

Until I need to breathe, just a moment to collect my thoughts and push through the panic attacks and, then, someone tears through me like I'm a wet paper sack.  Today was just a crummy day.

I'm glad its the weekend.  This pent up frustration I have will serve well in cleaning my dwelling that so badly needs it.

my job

I love my job. Except days where I swear I'm the only one working.  Which appears to be more often than not.

...maybe I'm not happy here anymore.

Good thing I have plans for the future, and it doesn't include this.

a taste of fall

The weather has been an amazing introductory tease for the upcoming fall weather.  This is the only time I feel lonely.  Holiday weather makes me sad my family is scattered all over the place, and I don't have a family of my own.

Then, think back to my failed relationships, the horror and disgust, and I remember I am better off alone.  Better to feel lonely a few weeks a year than be stuck with someone I contemplate killing on a daily basis. (Or worse, worrying they think the same thing about me...)