There's no point in lying - I used to be extremely explorative in my sexuality. Which may be a nice way to say I used to believe having sex with a man brought a feeling of acceptance and bonding that was equally shared. Being young equates to being really stupid. Then there was a period of time it was just fun...a way to vent stress and felt good. That seems like so long ago.
See, I met this guy almost 2 years ago. At first we were just friends, then, as a few weeks went by, I began to feel incredibly comfortable with him. Not as in I wanted to date him (bc my previous relationship was a horrible mess of drama you only see on tv and by the end, I literally hated him...with premeditated murderous rage...by the time I kicked him out) and was not looking for any reason to emotionally connect with someone.
Until one day, we made an agreement -- friends with benefits. No emotion. No connection. Problem was, after weeks of the most amazing sex I have ever had in my entire life, he started in with the "trust me"s and "I'd never hurt you"s. I fended him off as long as I could. One day I opened up and let him in. There were reasons we couldn't be together, lots of them, but we did it any way. It was months of pure bliss and agonizing misery. I'd never felt so alive, yet so destroyed. The combination of those two emotions causes confusion you wouldn't believe. I loved him. So much that that sneaking, crushing feeling of knowing we could never be broke me down every single day. But I wanted it. More than anything. He swept me off my feet.
Until the day came when it could no longer be. He got some life changing news that abruptly haulted everything we had...like a speeding car hitting a brick wall. When he told me he was going to stop, I made him tell me to leave. Without his looking me in the eyes and telling me...I don't want to see you anymore....I could not walk away. He said it. The world span wildly out of control and I thought I was going to pass out. That's never happened before. Everything spinning and getting smaller and my body went numb, the world faded away and I started losing my breath.
I managed to stand on my feet...and walk away.
We had sex one more time after that, and he has attempted to con me back in a few times since...but if we are being honest, and that is the point, he broke me. The feelings I had and the sex and his smile has left me wanting nothing. I am a shell of a creature with the memories of something so beautiful and tragic that it leaves me feeling like an open wound all the time. I miss him. Its been a year.
I have not dated. I don't even look at men. Sex has become something I don't know if I can do again....at least not likely for a long time. Maybe it's growing up and respecting myself in my own opinion (no judgments on others) of not giving it away. Maybe it's his fault. I can't even sleep with a guy I have before that I trust as a person and I know he's a grade a dude...I just can't.
I just...don't even know what to do with myself anymore.
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