the great divide

Soooooo.....

*deep breath*

It happened.  I took the plunge. I changed my life.  I quit my job, gave up my glamorous apartment, and moved.

I am free from the insufferable drama that once controlled my entire existence.  And I said farewell with the biggest middle finger you have ever seen!

...rewind...

I met the man I always dreamed of. Out of nowhere, like a Hollywood movie. Only this one has a twist you didn't see coming.

Late June, he came into my life, only I did not realize nor predict the impact he would have on me. He was just another guy that endlessly found reasons to come see me. I was still in my world of no dating, no hurt, no love, no glory. Just work.

One day my boss accused me of seducing him, so to speak. "He could fall in love you, he's already obsessed with you." I laughed, shrugged it off and she didn't believe me when I told her there was nothing going on. A few days later, I told him what was said because at this point...he had already started to call me everyday and we had bonded. Honestly I just thought it was a supervisor/supervisor relationship. He denied it, we laughed, we went about our business. I can't put a number on it, but some odd weeks later, after all the jokes about girlfriend/boyfriend jealousies and off the wall remarks about us "dating," he finally broke down. "I can't tell anymore if you're joking or if you really like me."

...99% of me wanted to continue the charade and say I was just kidding. 99% of me wanted to run from the truth: I had completely fallen for this guy.

Since the discussion on "our relationship," my boss had started to withdraw from me. She was angry and concocted lies to tell me. She was talking garbage behind my back. I suppose our relationship had already begun to become strained, but this was unbearable. I also started having really awful stomach issues. If I wasn't running to the bathroom 8 times an hour, I was throwing up. My stomach ached constantly, like searing pain that made me want to curl up and die. My stress level was through the roof. Every day was torture.

I told him I really liked him. Even after he told me 400 times he could never date an older woman, nonetheless a decade older. What more could I possibly do to fuck up my life...how much more miserable could it get? I even fucked him on the second date because I figured if that was all he wanted, he'd take it and go away. Leave me intact.

He hasn't left yet. Even after he made me realize how toxic my life was and I have now moved over an hour away.

He is amazing. He deals with my overly dramatic demons and he comforts me when I completely freak the fuck out. Calm and collected professional workaholic me and the everyday real me are two entirely different entities. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  He loves me regardless.

So I am unemployed and seeking a new life. With him. None of this has been easy, especially the great divide between us, but it's the best thing I have done in years.

(& my two weeks notice went oddly as expected. Mr. Boss questioned me but never asked me to stay; his wife never said a word, not a bye, good luck, fuck you I'm glad you're gone!, nothing. My boss, my used-to-be best friend, had a meltdown. You treat me like shit, eventually I'll walk away. And you can't make me feel bad about it. I felt like she wanted me to leave. And the end came...and I regret absolutely nothing.)

part of me

Life is so weird.

Everything has kind of melded back to what it used to be.  I like routine and monotony. .. to the point I let it drain my dreams from me. As I was so angry last post,  I am back to my norm again.  Because life makes sense again, despite the knowledge of knowing it will happen again at some point. It always does.

But it doesn't make perfect sense; things are still going on.  Things I can't really talk about.  But things nonetheless, and they're truly despicable.

I had a really, really good sex dream about my boss.  I have never looked at him that way, and it is ruining my life.  Part of me wants to die.

where the water meets the sand

A lot has happened and nothing has happened, if that's allowed to make sense. I moved. I visited the ocean. People have come and gone as they always have.

Still back at square one.


But I love my new place. And I enjoyed sitting on the beach, letting the water cleanse my brutalized soul. It has to be the most beautiful thing in the world... Where the water meets the sand.  For me, there's nothing more entrancing. I want to live there.

revolving door

I would love to say things have changed but I seem to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of stupid ho bitches. Revolving door of these manipulating skags.

I'll just roll with punches and eventually the door will either open for me, or smack them in the ass.   The law of averages says one of the two has to happen.

I'm moving on with my life.

evil may be bad terminology...

Life can be so full of random surprises; good and bad.

So I may be moving.  I hope I am moving.  I may have inadvertently signed a new lease by accident so we will see how that goes.  (It's a long story I should have known better...)

Old evil is replaced with new evil.  Evil may be bad terminology but it feels proper right now.  My old abusive coworker has been replaced with a new, quietly abusive coworker.  I find myself saying the exact same words I used to say concerning the whole issue in many aspects.  I smile and play nice, while shit gets talked behind my back.  It's what I always do.

Nothing much else has changed.  If we're speakingly correctly, hell, nothing has changed.  Stuck in the same vicious cycle and avoiding it as best I can.

Will let you know how the potential move goes.

it's been awhile

It has been awhile.  My job keeps me insanely busy during the holidays. Haven't had much to say.

As expected my mistake ended that night, with that kiss, and one fraction of a glimmer of hope.  It has been snuffed out and I do believe it is gone forever.  I don't even think about him anymore.  Isn't that odd?  How did that happen?

In other news, been dancing around this other guy, who is several shades of bad for me.  He is sweet and he is kind, someone that I know would never dream of hurting me, but he is lost in this world.  He is in a dangerous place and slowly drowning in his own misery.  Misery brought on by really bad choices.  I love him. Not like I loved my mistake, but he has been in my life for years...and he is sweet and kind....and he deserves so much better.  I have tried to help him, but he seems compelled to continue his own mistakes.  I told him I care for him, in a time where men are on my list of things not to do.  He knows me. I tell him my secrets.  I confide my fears and anger, my happiness and sadness to him.  He never tells me anything except he likes me, too, and now he has trouble looking me in the eyes.

Not sure what to do with that...

I had a wonderful, though busy, holiday.  I love spending time with my family.  It was nice to feel the joy and warmth that the holidays bring...bc now its back to the every day drudge.  Which is OK, too.

I know I wrote about being depressed before, but I think that has passed for now.  I've had some time to level off.  I am good for now.