everything got twisted up

It's been far too long.

I've been meaning to do this for awhile, just haven't.  I really have no excuse.

So...I finally got all my stool sample results - not a thing wrong. However, they only tested for parasites and bacteria. Didn't even bother to do a blood test on it, which is whatever.  The medication I got has helped tremendously. Though, I still have days where nothing goes right.  Some days I'm fine, just a little discomfort. Last week, I spent 90 minutes in the bathtub trying to ease off immensely bad cramps. I could barely even walk and I couldn't sit down because the pressure on my guts was too much. At the store the other day, my lower intestines just started bubbling for no damn reason, and I rushed to the bathroom for nothing to happen. A little blood, nothing else. I fucking hate this.

I supposedly have a job. I was approved for the go on a seasonal online job back in late August. Everything got twisted up (story of my life lol) and now October 15th, I have been told I won't start until November 2nd. There was a time of depression on the delay because all I want is money to see a doctor. Our fantastic governor (sarcasm) didn't expand medicare so I get no assistance whatsoever.  The clinic has no idea what to do next. Funny story: I've been gluten free since January and they were practically insistent I take a Celiac Test. Fuckers, I haven't ingested that shit in 8 months (at that point), there is absolutely NO reason to test me. And I'm not about to start eating it again because I know it makes everything worse. I also tried the low FODMAPS diet, it didn't affect much change.  I did learn HFCS makes me sick, though. The doctor did throw around Crohns Disease, but the only way to prove it is the colonoscopy and endoscopy that I need.

So, hopefully I'll be starting my job soon. Even if it is temporary, I can afford to get some things done because I am ready to rejoin life.  

I have also been revisiting an old relationship. Not in the means of pursuit of another one with him, but company, companionship, sex. He needs me as much as I need him, and it's comfortable, I enjoy it. It really doesn't hurt that he is still fucking hott, too.  My (x)love isn't happy about it.  He's been trying for months to have sex with me again, told me the other day he needed to stop talking to me so he could get past it. I don't know what that means. I think it was his way of trying to guilt/ultimatum me into doing it or he wouldn't be my friend. I love him, and he knows that, but I honestly don't need him anymore. (Somewhere in the last few months, we made up, had sex once as friends, and we've been pretty good since. I think last time we were on goodbyes.) I love his friendship, but I don't appreciate being guilted. Especially when HE is the reason we broke up. If you wanted it, you should have fucking kept it. The "I can't talk to you, I need to move on from this" tantrum lasted like 8 hours.

Anyway, so that's where life is right now.

I quit biting my nails, too. My whole life I chewed them down to practically nothing, and I obsessively bore my teeth down on a knuckle so much I started to break into the skin. Now, I have nice, pretty, REAL nails. It's so weird. I stab and scratch myself too often, still not used to it.

To end - I'm so glad Fall is here. Soooooooo glad.

promise

I got my blood results back and they are completely normal. This is only dissatisfies me because it still leaves everything open. My second Dr appt was a mess, and resulted in a stool analysis which I haven't gotten the results back yet. Crapping and collecting it into vials was a truly distasteful process, but had to be done. Mom cracked jokes at me.

After a week of not talking to my love, I developed a sense of myself again. I told him goodbye today, and he just let me go which is good, but I guess maybe I expected more. I don't know why I always think someone else's heart will be as sturdy as mine. I suppose our time in each other's lives is over and I am at peace with that. I will miss him terribly, as I do now, his arms wrapped around me, his kisses on my lips...but we must do what we must do. Keeping him in my life did more harm than good for me.  He started bringing up his ex girlfriend when we talked and it was just not something I wanted in my life. I hope he finds happiness. I really really do.

The meds I'm on has taken me up and down. The nightmares were a one time thing, thankfully. Last night, I dreamed about grocery shopping. What a weird ass thing to dream about. I've been sad, happy, angry, anxious. For the first few hours after taking it, I start to resemble a heroin user as my eyes just close up on me and I can barely hold my head up. It stops the pain, which is good, but issues are still overwhelming me. It doesn't end here.

And I'm making a promise to myself. A promise I need to keep. If I get better, I'm changing  my whole life. For too long I've lived in my own shadow. I've lived for myself and only me (minus the few months I lived every second for my love) and that will change. I have to change my life because I'm utterly disappointed in what I've made so far -- there's too much out there to be satisfied with so little. A presumable third of my life is gone, and the rest of it is going to be a hell of a lot better than what I've put forth so far. I promise that.

as predicted

So, as predicted, my love and I separated. Its been almost 3 weeks, and it has been Hell. I miss him in ways I can't even describe. I find myself breaking down into hysterical tears when I least expect it; the sadness is overwhelming.

We are still friends, talking and having sex. I couldn't bear to lose him, especially with my health the way it is. I need him. We poke around at a possibility of getting back together in the future, but I know it'll never happen. I don't want to disclose everything, but he and I are so different that I can't picture it ever working out. But I love him dearly, I love him beyond logic and words. I know by being with him even in this capacity is not a good way to overcome the loss, but I was really a mess when we stopped talking. I didn't even know how to cope, I just fell apart every day into someone I didn't even recognize. So we made amends and agreed to be friends so we can get thru this. I want to say I love you every time we talk, and it kills me not to be able to, but I'm doing the best I can.

I finally got into a doctor. There was no consensus on my issue, need more tests which I cannot afford. Being an unemployed, childless woman provides zero benefits in Georgia.  I did get some medication, Hyoscyamine, which has helped a little bit. Once it starts to wear off, though, my digestive system goes into hyperdrive and that's not fun to deal with. The side effects are wretched. I had terrible nightmares the first night in tandem with a raging headache. Seems both of those have ceased, and I'm just let with dry mouth, nose, and a dizzy high feeling.

I have another appt Monday, at a low income clinic. Hoping they can help me along a little more.

what the hell happened

I didn't last 2 days off my medication.  So much for that idea.  Even in the comfort of my own home, my stomach went totally hay-wire on me. I'm definitely going to the doctor.

I'm to the point, and not to be morbid but at the end of my rope, that I half hope it's terminal and I'll die from it soon.  It's a little bit of everything, everything this fucking sickness has done to my life.

My relationship is failing.
I can't find a job.
I'm in pain all of the time. From Mild to Severe.
I can't leave the house without panicking.
I can't eat without fear and I avoid food until I can't take it anymore.
I've lost a little weight this week, nothing dramatic. Probably a combo of trying to exercise and being unwilling to eat.

I read into this stuff and I cannot find any answers. I see people who have lived this way for decades and I don't think I can take that.  They have to find something wrong.  They have to.  I'm certain my mother thinks I am making it up. My boyfriend seems to have lost interest in understanding, not to mention, his affection has dwindled to practically nothing.  I have ceased to return much in retaliation of his apathetic attitude, it's what I do.  I stopped wearing the ring he gave me because looking at it is a constant reminder of how we used to be...and a constant wonder if we'll ever make it back there. I've all but given up on us.

I've all but given up on myself.

I was happy once. And all I can do is cry right now, because I have no idea what the hell happened.

We fight constantly

Here I am again, with the same ol' news.

I had three job interviews and one offer.  The two I didn't get offered were great, high-payers, but unfortunately I'm just not up to par on their gig. Stupid excel bullshit and inevitable traveling. I don't do traveling well since I got sick. The offer backed on me a week later. Small, independent start up gig that opted to not expand at the moment. I felt broken in so many ways.

I have opted to stop taking my medication.  It was a self and mom-diagnosis thing, but it's not helping when I need it the most.  Looking into the side-effects, there could be serious long-term damages done and I think I'm at a place where maybe I can take a break and see how my body is acting by itself. If I don't improve, I'm taking myself to go to the clinic.  I cannot live my life like this.  And honestly, I feel like everyone thinks I am lying about it.  In my interviews, I almost shit myself.  Nevermind I took three different kinds of medication to help ease my stomach, it didn't work. And it's not just high stress situations, even going to the store suddenly kicks my intestines into overdrive and I feel the urge. Even if I can't go, I still feel like I have to. What kind of fucking madness is that?! My gluten-free lifestyle has helped tremendously regarding the pain in my stomach, but something is definitely still going on.  I have chosen to cut back on my sugar intake as well.

I've been healthy my whole life, minus a few small things. I had severe allergies as a kid and had to take immunity shots. I grew an ovarian tumor (benign) that was the size of a basketball and weighed 10 lbs, had to have major surgery to remove it. I get the common cold once every year or two.  I have had food poisoning twice in my life.  I don't have major problems.  I smoke, eat like shit, never exercise and went on sleep deprivation for years and nothing like this has ever happened. I eat better now, get good sleep, and I suppose it is getting better, but it's not well. Whatever has happened is still hanging around.

Yesterday was 7 months for my love and I. Not the most glorious of times for us right now.  I'm a bitter, untamed bitch and he is a naive, selfish asshole.  I love him with all of my heart, though.  Sometimes, I feel like I am just his filler.  His sex toy and someone to talk to when he's bored.  Due to our situation, we have very little to offer each other.  Good morning/night texts, dirty pictures, and a promise we will stay together.  I drive the hour+ to go see him when I can because we can't fuck here. My parents are backwards as hell, denying me, a 31-year old in a serious relationship, the right to have sex with my boyfriend under the roof I live under. Probably stems from 10 years ago when I dragged home everything with a cock and fucked it. I suppose it is my own fault for that, but people change, and I'd like the courtesy of that being acknowledged. Mom said if we get engaged, that'll change.

Le sigh. The boy who asked me daily to marry him in the beginning tells me it'll be at least 5 years. The logical part of me knows that's totally the best idea; but the sad, lonely girl inside me misses him wanting me that bad.  Sometimes, I don't even get good morning texts messages.  We fight constantly. We always make it to tomorrow and we always say I Love You even if we're so mad we could set the other on fire, but we are fighting a lot more than loving these days.

I don't know if we're going to make it.

feels like winter in the Atl

I guess I don't write much because there's not much to talk about.  I have become the most boring person on the planet. Who knew that was coming.

My love and I have survived 6 months and totally forgot to commemorate the occasion.  He's registered to go back to school and has been training for a new job, which he's not sure he's going to keep. Was a bomb text message, so I don't know exactly why he has suddenly decided it's not worth the effort.  I had an interview yesterday that got rescheduled to two weeks from now. It's a fairly big job, I guess.  I was really excited until right before bed last night, I got a case of nausea and started vomiting up all my dinner.  Third time I've done that in almost 2 weeks...and as far as I know I am not pregnant.  I'm 99.9% sure I am not.  Always leave room for that slight possibility.

All this drama with my digestive system has me really starting to feel an aversion to food.  I prolong eating as long as I can in the morning, until hypoglycemia kicks in and I start to get lightheaded and feeling pukey.  I'm blaming last night on the ice cream I ate. Nevermind the fact I ate it two nights ago and was perfectly fine.  Denial is a luxury sometimes.

My love spent the day yesterday reminding me how he fell in love with me and how much he missed us working together. I've been on his case about showing me how he feels because this distance thing is such a major bitch; 50% of the time I'm in real fear we're going to break up.  50% of the time I feel like he forgets I'm here.  I talked to a friend and he assured me that was likely my own demon and caused by our separation at the moment.  I accept that, but it still makes it difficult to remind myself it's just me and to stop being such a drama queen.  I mean, this guy bought me a diamond ring when I quit my job and was moving.  He spent half his paycheck on a gorgeous reminder he was in it and he loved me...then, we fell out of good mornings/good nights and saying I love yous. We have mended that aspect and both of us put forth more effort, and that has helped a million times over. Yet, there's this nagging feeling that something isn't right. If it helps, I generally feel that way about everything so it's probably just me.

It feels like winter here in the Atl today. It's cold and gloomy, so I spent my morning in the bathtub soaking up the heat and forgetting life even exists.

5 months

So, here we are again with a whole lot of nothing going on. We have moved into our new place and everything seems to be going well. I'm about to start new medication for a digestive issue I have been battling, so here's hoping it works. Tired of being homebound because I can't seem to get more than 10 ft from a toilet. Getting older sucks.

My love and I have graced 5 months. He is still everything I have ever wanted emotionally. Physically, he is hotter than I ever dreamed. Our goals in life are so incredibly different though.  I really, really hope we can make it through this because it is a huge driving factor in a successful relationship. Compromising is going to be a big deal in our world.

I'm about to start job hunting again. It is time. I am mentally going absolutely ape shit and I have to do something. This is killing me slowly and I'm sure my health is not improving vastly because I am practically a hermit. I leave to go fuck my boyfriend and that is about all I do. Super exciting lifestyle I have here. I have to rework my resume though because my skill set is high and I have to dumb it down, unfortunately. Georgia is just not plentiful in the job market and I need to find something to do. Plus, I really don't care to get back into management. I need some work done to my aggressive side before I can do that, and my last gig was slowly shoved down my throat until I accepted it. And I never really accepted it, just did it because I felt trapped.

More on all that later.

sweet, sexy, dirty

I've been wanting to make an entry, but I felt more like sitting at a computer and really pouring emotions out, yet I never do it. There's not a lot going on right now.

My parents bought a house - we move in 2 weeks. Seems like one of us is always moving somewhere else every few years. This will be my third move in less than a year.

I've decided to go back to school. I'm about to be 31, and I've decided being this old with no job prospects is more shameful than being this old and going to college. This will be my third time. Never stayed in before, just failed out from methamphetamine fun and working too hard. Maybe the third time will be the charm? My love is supporting the idea, so that helps. He says one of us has to afford his lifestyle. If I didn't worship the ground he walked on, I'd slap him.

Speaking of my love, we have surpassed the 4 month marker of actually dating, sometimes I think our sex is what holds us together. We don't really have any other interests in common, but I'm not sure that means a whole lot. He's outgoing, I'm quiet. Maybe its a good balance? I'm hoping so.

pages and pages

So I deleted some of my writings. Maybe I will regret that in the future, but I feel with the lowly depressing content, it was something that needed to be done. I spent some time reading an old journal I used to keep ten years ago, and there was so much I forgot.

Pages and pages of my life I would not have remembered without the words left in legacy. Almost 2 solid years of what I did while doing methamphetamine and suffering the loss of a lover, followed by so many sexual adventures and all my friends. God, I was so social I barely recognize myself in there. The partying I did in 2007, after dropping the meth and old friends. Falling in love again. It was so beautiful to reconnect with everything I forgot.

My life is nothing like that anymore, which is good and sad at the same time. I used go have so much fun, but it came with a price.

Nothing much has occurred in my life as of late. Had a pregnancy scare due to condom breakage that drove my love and me crazy for a few weeks. Not pregnant, thankfully. I'm so not prepared to have children right now, and I am not okay with destroying something he and I created. So, luck stayed on my side in that one. That's honestly about the most excitement I have today.

Still no job, no prospects. I'm starting to feel like a worthless loser. This is hard.